Wicked Good Stepmoms: Navigating Feelings of Exclusion in Blended Families

The Stuck Outsider Phenomenon

Do you ever feel like you’re watching from the sidelines, looking in on the family you’re supposed to be part of? Maybe you feel like the third wheel when your partner and stepkids are hanging out, sharing jokes, and reminiscing about old memories. You realize you’re not in on the inside jokes, the history, or the deep bond they’ve built over the years. In those moments, it’s easy to feel disconnected from your partner and downright lonely. Sound familiar?

It's Totally Normal to Feel Left Out

If so, you’re not alone. This is a super common experience for stepmoms—one commonly referred to as the “stuck outsider” phenomenon. You might feel like you’re constantly on the outside looking in, while your partner is firmly planted in the “stuck insider” role. What does that mean? Well, your partner exists in two distinct family sub-units: 1) the sub-unit that includes them and their kids (and sometimes their ex-spouse or partner), and 2) the sub-unit formed by the two of you—the couple. These two sub-units, as you probably already know, don’t always get along!

Here’s the thing: You’re not crazy or a bad person for feeling left out or a little jealous of the bond your partner shares with their children. It’s totally normal. As humans, we’re wired to form connections through a process called “attachment.” Our brains are hardwired to need those connections to feel safe and secure. First, that happens between children and their parents or caregivers, and later, as adults, with a romantic partner.

It's All About Attachment

So, when you feel excluded from your partner’s relationship with their kids, it’s more than just a hurt feeling—it’s an attachment issue. Our brains often don’t differentiate between “my partner isn’t there for me” and “I’m about to be eaten by a lion!” (I know, that’s dramatic, but it’s true!) So naturally, your body might go into “fight or flight” mode to protect itself. This might look like picking fights with your partner, feeling resentful of their kids, or withdrawing and bottling up those painful feelings. And to make it even more frustrating, you might feel some shame about the jealousy or frustration you’re experiencing.

The Kids Are Probably Feeling the Same

But here’s something to keep in mind: when you’re struggling with your stepchildren, it’s possible that they’re feeling the exact same way. They might also be experiencing that same sense of threat or exclusion from the relationship you share with their parent. It’s a tricky, emotionally charged dynamic for everyone.

I hope this helps shed some light on what’s going on behind the scenes when you’re feeling stuck as a stepmom. It’s not only normal but also expected. If you are struggling in your blended family, contact me to schedule a phone call to see how I can support you.

And remember, stepmoms, we’re not just good. We’re wicked good!